Lucifer Effect

I have only been following God’s orders but
there is something at work in my soul which I do not understand.
Subconsciously he feels indifferent, trying so hard to understand others around him, to understand humans. 
He questions if he should let go of these emotions?
I have no particular desire to live or be killed. As it is a matter of indifference to me. I just do not think I am altogether right.
am I beyond good and evil?
Do I see myself more as a victim rather than a perpetrator? 
What does it matter what people do?
For I'm sorry, in a fallen world, it was hard to do unambiguous good.
Inside he is screaming, nobody pays any attention. If he had arms, he could kill myself, if he had legs, he could run away, if he had a voice he could talk. His pain is constant and sharp and he doesn’t hope for a better world for anyone. He wants his pain to be inflicted onto others...
Corruption. 
Have you ever wondered what a human life is worth?
In the depths of my heart, I can’t help but think that his “dear man” is worthless.
And when my family heard these thoughts, they went out to seize me, for they were saying, “He is out of his mind.”
Leaning against my father, I told him “I am not out of my mind, but I am speaking true and rational words” but the sadness finally broke open inside, hollowing out my heart.
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality.
His mask of sanity was a victim of impending slippage. 
And no wonder, for even Lucifer disguises himself as an angel of light.
All my life I’ve understood the nature of where I come from, but never thought it might be wicked until now.
If one good deed in all my life, I do repent it from my very soul. 
I wanted him to find good in me and he didn’t, there is none.
For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my being. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.
He told me “No one else can be admitted here, since this gate was made only for you, I am now going to shut it” 
The words “I’m sorry” will never come out, for they would be a lie.
For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. When denied the right to live the life I believe in, I have no choice but to become an outlaw.
The sun kept on with its slipping away, his grace being extracted away, with his heart falling into a black abyss
Time takes it all whether you want it to or not, time takes it all, bears it away and in the end there's only darkness. 
I guess that’s what saying goodbye is always like... the worst part is making the choice to do it. Once you’re in the air, there is nothing you can do but let go.
The fact is we have no way of knowing if the person we think we are is at the core of our being. But in our own hands lies the power to choose what we want most to be, we are.
Lucifer dwells in us all.
So if every angel, a demon hides...
then only once you destroy who you think you are, can you embrace who you truly are.
But if you let the demon take over, it’s because you choose to.
Maybe self self-improvement isn’t the answer... maybe self destruction is the answer.
...his tears dry up and run out, so he becomes a devil reduced to a monster.
but I will not go away as a monster, but as a tragedy. 
Only after destruction can we be resurrected.