top of page

Unveiling the Canvas of My Thoughts

A Journey in Art and Self-Discovery


As I prepare to get back on social media, I present:

What is art: a profound medium for self-expression, a canvas on which we project our innermost thoughts and emotions. As I delve deeper into my own creative process, I find myself questioning the very essence of what I'm even making art for, its meaning and understanding what lies beneath the strokes and colors. This journey of self-discovery and artistic exploration has led me to an innumerable amount of reflections and observations. In this blog, I invite you to join me as I unravel the layers of my thoughts and emotions, painted through the lens of my art.

Life's Distortions and the Unshackled Mind:

Life can often feel distorted, and I believe that art flourishes when the mind is given the freedom to wander and wonder. The ability to overthink has negative and positive effects. Overthinking in creativity is a positive for me. It's a birthplace for a multitude of ideas, each as unique as the individuals who conceive them. Uniqueness is an abundance within human beings

and our art mirrors this diversity.

External Perceptions and the Crippling Mind:

One aspect of art that I've struggled with is the “influence of external perceptions”. Why do we allow others to hold such power over our thoughts and creations? Should we forsake that much control to things outside our realm of influence? It's a dilemma I've often contemplated. Do I inadvertently allow the very influences I resist to infiltrate my creative space? Has capitalism jumped into this equation? This relentless chase for financial stability, the struggle to find time , and precious hours to expand on my creativity. It all comes down to time – this elusive resource. Is it that there's not enough time to embrace your artistic thirst, or are you, perhaps, allowing yourself to be trapped in an uncomfortable way of life, all in the name of finding those precious hours for your work?

Dissociation and the Tormented Artist:

As I paint, I sometimes feel like a ghost, detached from the actual process. The term "dissociation" comes to mind, but it's not just an observation of my actions. It's a deeper struggle, a sense of torment as I build layer upon layer, parallel to etching human skin. The result is a chaotic, void, and colorful creation, but something crucial seems to be missing. Is it the journey toward madness or the quest to overcome it that holds the key to completeness? What I mean by this is how far can I go to reach these envisioned dreams of art pieces that I have.

Watercolors: A Metaphor for Emotion:

Watercolors have always intrigued me. They possess a unique quality – everything bleeds through. It's comparable to pouring one's heart and soul into an action or emotion through the flow of water (color). Imagine giving yourself entirely to something, allowing it to seep through every pore of your being. It's one of the hardest mediums to master. It takes time, practice, patience and understanding. I want to master the ability to manipulate watercolor paint into showing my desired goal for my own style/technique. I love the different ways human beings use watercolors.

Unmasking the Hidden Self:

Amid the vivid colors and emotional bleeding, I've realized that I've often hidden my true self. I've questioned why I've concealed my authentic self for so long. Why hide, though, if the world actually wants to see what radiates from within. Will I ever feel comfortable with being me? I should work on achieving that, but I’ll have to go out of my comfort zone. That is the part that leaves my mind in turmoil, but I will not fall victim. By using the opportunity I have with art moving forward, I will reach my ideal comfortability with myself.

Self-Reflection and Accepting Responsibility:

The act of self-reflection has led me to acknowledge my own faults and mistakes. I've come to realize that I am responsible for almost everything I've ever done, every emotion I've felt, and the continuous amount of intertwined experiences that shape my journey. I am a product of my own mind. I accept that, and I want to act on this.

The Quest for Self-Improvement:

Each time I open myself to understanding or self-discovery, I confront a version of myself I dislike. To truly make sense of this journey, I'm determined to do better, to evolve. I will create an abstract experience of what goes on inside my head when words/phrases/experiences take on physical forms of myself. (Self-destruction)

Embracing Energy and Awareness:

Energy is a tangible force, and I've resolved never to let it lead me astray. I strive to be more perceptive and understanding of it. I can feel energy within a space, witness time bending and warping, especially the more I become attuned with drugs. Why do we keep these profound human experiences closed off to others?

Fear of Overflowing Emotions:

I admit to being scared of my own emotions; they often overflow. The thought of sharing this intensity with another person terrifies me. How do I know this person won’t use this information against me? Am I ready to feel that vulnerable with people? Constantly taking in new information about how interactions with other humans go, it makes me hesitant to want to establish deeper bonds. People scare me, truly they do.

The Beauty of Expression:

In a world full of beautiful individuals, some express themselves to the fullest, while others suppress their true selves. It's a captivating duality. Does social media or media itself, actually just the entirety of all things we perceive through advertisement and entertainment. How much does this affect how someone views themselves or even their art?

Struggling, but Are We Destroying or Creating?:

My current struggles have left me questioning whether I'm destroying my inner peace or breathing life into it. The answer, I believe, lies in the process. Do the creations I create, or the narratives drag me deeper into the belief of these fantasies. How disconnected I feel from reality to my own imagination.

The Lack of Self-Awareness:

Intriguingly, I've observed a pervasive lack of self-awareness in many individuals. It's a disconnect from the intricacies of human emotions, feelings, and thoughts. Do people actually care about others? We want all this equality, promotion of acceptance but do we actually take the time to understand another person? I want to know why someone is the way they are but I also want to be present enough to receive them. I feel that a lot of others stay at a surface level way of thinking. Closed-mindedness.

Art for the Awakened:

In my artistic journey, I create for those who are awakened, those who grasp the depth of emotions and thoughts within my artwork. I want my audience to eventually imagine themselves within the spaces I create. To think of what it would be like to witness the birth of “something”. To envision what gods and angels would look like in front of them. Most importantly to conceptualize themselves mixed with stars, galaxies and fading into fluid transcendence.

Reality and Dreams:

The boundaries between reality and dreams are porous, and they reflect different facets of ourselves. I have a theory that our dreams are projections of alternate versions of who we are. I enjoy having the ability to lucid dream but I also dislike it. If I can be immersive within my dreams vividly, why would I want to wake up? The power to be me, but in unions, perfect form, comfortable. Why would I want to be awake? My theory involves that humans, when they dream, enter through the lens of another version of themselves. This lens could be dissociative or even feel more in sync with the alternate entity they interloop with.

The Psychedelic Experience:

Occasionally, my journey takes me down the path of hallucination and altered perception. Naturally I already see hidden things within things. For example, portals, I see portals everywhere in anything, then I imagine a space within that portal. LSD has opened up more realms in that aspect. I see more things, the swirls of light, colors, and create new ideas. I extract new ways to manipulate paint, in hopes of allowing the viewer to see a style that can allow my audience to “trip” without actually using substances. Though I will say, my artwork will be immaculate for those who want to bear witness to my creations in an altered state of consciousness.

50 views1 comment

Recent Posts

See All

PSA or whatever this i

Ayo, I am on a new path, I've gone a new direction and I am letting go of "holdmycrayons". I have changed everything about my art and it's creative process but I left without any notice and I do apolo

1 Comment

I think there's an interesting parallel between your mastering of watercolor with practice, patience, and understanding and mastering your own emotions. Like watercolor, emotions bleed and flow, and as a scorpio (water sign) your emotions are more intense.

bottom of page